10:48pm. Not tired.

I need to be a better Christian. "Complete surrender" was the phrase that stuck with me tonight. Haven't done it. Don't know if I ever have. I wonder what's in store for me if I do. But I can't just do it because I think God will bless me, right? That's like washing your moms car not because she is in a wheelchair and can't, but because you know she'll give you 5 bucks. I feel like it's wrong. I need to have my heart changed. I'm not a very good Christian. Husband. Father. Friend. Brother. Son. Employee. It's been that way a long time. Thing is, everyone has their testimony of how they were before they were a Christian. But I've been a Christian since I was about 8. I don't remember what I was like before I was a Christian. I just know I've had struggles during my Christianity. And since I'm intelligent and consider myself someone who understands life, I feel like I should be better than this. Don't get me wrong. God isn't making me feel guilty. And being a Christian doesn't mean you feel like shit about yourself all the time. I'm just 29 and really thought I'd be in a different place than I am now. Yeah I know I have a great wife and a beautiful daughter and one on the way and I'm blessed beyond my expectations, but what have I done with my life? How does someone completely surrender? I don't even think I know how. I've been on my knees. I've cried. I've repented. I've read my bible. I've served my fellow man. I've given of my time, energy, and money. Maybe something is wrong with me, because I feel like I'm a huge disappointment at this stage in my life.

Having said all that, I refuse to believe the lie that indulging in "self" and forsaking God is the way to go. I'd rather walk this hard road and end up in heaven, then turn my back on God, live it up here on Earth, and spend my life in hell. You hear that Satan? Fuck off. Your days are numbered, and I am going to ask God for a front row ticket to watch him destroy you. And after God has defeated you and you're lying there bloody, beaten, battered, and broken, I'm going to spit on you.

By the way God, if you read my blog I could REALLY use one of those dreams like in the Old Testament where you send an angel to someone while they sleep, and they explain exactly what you want them to do and how to get there. I haven't done so well in my 29 years trying to figure it out myself. Just look at the trail of brokenness behind me.