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Monday, August 27, 2007
The 5 Locker Room Commandments

(The word shampoo will be used for the F word in this post)

I shampooing hate being in the mens locker room at the gym. It makes me feel gross. I hate it. HATE. IT. So I am going to lay down the law right now, so I can have a more comfortable experience in the locker room. These are "The 5 Commandments of The Locker Room"

1. Do not look at me.
There is absolutely no reason for you to make eye contact with me. At all. Whatsoever. Furthermore, if we do accidentally happen to make eye contact, you need to immediately look away. Not down. LEFT, RIGHT, OR UP.

2. Do not strike up a conversation with me or otherwise talk to me.
Under no circumstances whatsoever shall you EVER find it necessary to talk to me. I don't care if I'm bleeding profusely and you have gauze. You do NOT talk to me. I just don't understand guys who stand around naked talking to each other about things. It's NOT okay to talk about "how good you worked out" or "how good your presentation to the board was at lunch". Put your shampooing clothes back on THEN talk about whatever you want. Standing around naked for any reason other than you are in the middle of getting dressed is strictly forbidden.

3. Don't fart when you're naked. And definitely don't fart when you're showering.
You'd think that this one was a no brainer. But I can't even count the amount of times I've heard some naked fat dude let one go in the middle of the locker room. If your clothes are on and you're on your way out of the locker room maybe I can see you letting one go. But to do it while you're naked, or naked and wet, is completely reprehensible.

4. Don't be naked any longer than you have to.
Once you're dried off, put your clothes on. Don't walk over to the sink and shave while you're naked. Don't go brush your teeth while you're naked. And don't air dry. There's just no reason to do any of that. Clothes were invented for a reason, and the locker room was definitely one of them. Take your shower, naked if you have to, dry off, then put your shampooing clothes on.

5. Do not stand next to me and dry off or get ready.
There's no reason, even if the locker room is jam packed with a bunch of guys, for you to be THAT close to me. You should be a minimum of two arms lengths away from me. Seriously. Get the shampoo away from me before I beat the shampoo out of you. Keep your distance.

Look, it would be just as uncomfortable if I was in a locker room full of naked girls. It's just awkward being naked while you're around other naked people. And if you're a guy, you're not supposed to see other guys naked. It's a rule. I understand that the locker room is a necessary evil. But I believe if you follow those 5 commandments, things will be a lot more comfortable.
posted by Ricky @ 8:48 PM  
19 Comments:
  • At 8/28/2007 02:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The 'no farting' rule aside, I think you're a nutjob.

    You're one of those guys that showers in his underwear, aren't you? That totally creeps me out. Seems so un-hygenic. Bet you do that "take off your pants, wrap a towel around you, take off underwear, put on work out gear, remove towel" rotuine, too, huh? Sick sick sick. People like you shouldn't be allowed in locker rooms with normal, sane people.

    On the plus side, sounds like you have a great career as a conservative republican congressman ahead of you.

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Man dude, YOU ARE A PUSSY, grow some and MAN UP

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:08:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What are you a nun? Dude, do your really think that you are that hot? Perhaps you can shower in some sort of smock.

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:11:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Unlike yourself, I will use profanity! Got that FUCKING FREAK!

    1. Do not look at me.
    (No reason to look at you) O.K. So I'll just have to knock you down and walk over you right?
    O.K. NO FUCKING PROBLEM

    2. Do not strike up a conversation with me or otherwise talk to me.
    WOW FUCK-TARD you need (FUCKING help)! I'll talk to anyone I please, this is America and you can not stop me, GOT THAT COMRADE !

    3. Don't fart when you're naked. And definitely don't fart when you're showering.
    O.K. I kind of agree with you on this one, well Na, how did you know it was a fat guy farting in the shower? Did you look at him when he did it? Go back to your First Commandment, Ass Hole!

    4. Don't be naked any longer than you have to.
    This one cracked me up Ass wipe: You said (Take your shower, naked if you have to?) HOW DO YOU TAKE YOUR SHOWER? I bet you wear you gym clothes into the shower right, that's why every one looks at you, NOW I get it!

    5. Do not stand next to me and dry off or get ready.
    HEY FUCK-TARD YOUR A TOUGH GUY EH? MORE LIKE A BULLY WHO IS AFRAID OF WHAT HE IS ACTUALLY IS. YOUR GAY! YOUR SO AFRAID TO BE YOUR SELF AND ENJOY YOUR SELF THAT YOU HAVE TO IMPOSE RULES/ COMMANDMENTS ONTO OTHER PEOPLE, SO THEY MUST OBEY THEM!

    SO LISTEN UP FUCK-TARD, YOUR GAY LIVE WITH IT, EMBRACE IT, BECAUSE ITS YOU THAT SHOULD ABIDE BY THESE RULES, NO ONE ELSE!

    THIS IS WHY I KNOW YOUR GAY: ONE YOU SUBSTITUTE (SHAMPOOING FOR FUCKING), AND WHAT YOU WROTE IN YOUR LAST PARAGRAPH : Look, it would be just as uncomfortable if I was in a locker room full of naked girls.(WTF) It's just awkward being naked while you're around other naked people. ( PEOPLE MEANING NAKED MEN )
    And if you're a guy, you're not supposed to see other guys naked. (???) It's a rule. (WHERE IS IT WRITTEN ON THE RULES BOARD)??? I understand that the locker room is a necessary evil. But I believe if you follow those 5 commandments, things will be a lot more comfortable. LIKE I MENTIONED EARLIER, YOUR THE ONE WHO SHOULD FOLLOW THESE SELF IMPOSED COMMANDMENTS.
    NO ONE ELSE..
    GOT IT FUCK-TARD

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LOL!

    Darlin', you have some SERIOUS issues. Issues that can't be solved by any ridiculous Locker Room Commandments. May not even be able to be solved by intensive therapy. My 5 year old son has fewer problems showering with others than you do and his twin routinely points at his penis and tells him its too small. Talk about having a reason to have issues about being naked.

    Grow up!

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dude, I'm guessing you thought your rant was quite witty in a kind of "best-of" way. It isn't. You just sound desperate and scared, particularly when you equate being naked around a bunch of naked men with being naked around a bunch of naked women.

    Hey, pal, it's 2007 and you are in the S.F. Bay Area (a gay world capital). It's time to get a little honest with YOURSELF. Maybe find a therapist to help you deal with the shitload of feelings that kick up when you are confronted with a nude male body, because you are waaaay overreacting. Most men in the locker room who are committing the "offenses" that your post enumerates couldn't care less about you sexually. They are just behaving like guys do who are comfortable with themselves. And if there should be a guy among them who might have a little sneaker for you, so what?

    In the meantime, just remember what your role model, Nancy Reagan, would have done: Just Say No! And relax.

     
  • At 8/28/2007 02:39:00 PM, Blogger Ricky said…

    Wow!! Everyone is SO NICE!

     
  • At 8/28/2007 03:40:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    anonymous #1
    there is a good to great possibility that this is the person who still showers in their underwear. i have never heard of this being done before so i would only assume that you know of this from experience...

    anonymous #2
    im pretty sure you didnt even read the entire blog, "you are a pussy" and "grow some and man up" is all you could come up with? the blog is 7 paragraphs long, pretty sure your response was formed from the first and only one you read.

    anonymous #3
    what would a nun be doing in a mens locker room? just wondering... ps not once in this blog did he say he was "that hot." get over yourself.

    anonymous #4 (favorite of all)
    lol, typical meat head. "knock you down and walk over you," what are you a fucking cave man? oh, and dont use "comrade" when you have absolutely no idea of the respect behind the word. educate yourself and then repost.

    anonymous #5
    i think you should be worried about your sons brother who "routinely" notices that his brother has a small penis...

    anonymous #6
    did someone make you read this blog for your homework assignment or something? SF as a gay "world capital" is news to me. I know SF as any other city in the world where gays live, not a "gay world capital." lol, "so frank, what are you doing tonight?" "well jim, im gonna head up to the gay world capital and watch some baseball."

    this is my first time reading this blog and prolly my last but just wanted to say that i do share some of the things the blogger is saying. just keep it to yourself, every person is different and shouldnt have to be subjected to such actions in the locker room. hes just voicing an opinion, no need to explode at him and use such hard wordage. hope your out lashes help you sleep better tonight.

    mr anonymous himself...

     
  • At 8/28/2007 05:26:00 PM, Blogger Mrs. Smith said…

    Dang Ricky you got your ass ripped on this one. However, I am mature enough to send you my comments without hiding behind anonymity. Yes you sound like a pussy. I hate locker rooms too and that is why I don't work out. Plus I have been a PE teacher and while the kids don't get naked, it is really uncomfortable walking through the locker room. Why don't you just come ready and go home sweaty. Catchy huh?

     
  • At 8/28/2007 05:49:00 PM, Blogger Jackson said…

    Haha, what the heck Ricky? Did you try to put this on digg or something?

     
  • At 8/28/2007 10:06:00 PM, Blogger Kimberly said…

    When I worked at corporate gyms I had to ask men to "please not stretch while naked" in the locker rooms due to customer complaints. There's still a guy at Lucas who has the nickname "Naked McManstretch"...eeewwww.

     
  • At 8/28/2007 10:07:00 PM, Blogger Kimberly said…

    and why the heck are people being so mean to you?? It was just a blog!

     
  • At 8/28/2007 10:09:00 PM, Blogger Ricky said…

    thank you nooner. i need all the support i can get in a time like this.

     
  • At 8/29/2007 10:46:00 AM, Anonymous beth said…

    A naked wet fart......ewwwwww I can hear it now and it makes me want to puke!!!!

     
  • At 2/24/2008 05:26:00 PM, Blogger mcornelio said…

    Ricky dude. I'm with you on the farting thing except I wouldn't limit it to the shower. The talking thing kind creeps me out too. And I'm definitely not a fan of blow dryer action on nut sacs either.

     
  • At 2/24/2008 05:29:00 PM, Blogger mcornelio said…

    PS. Flamers who post anonymously need to grow some themselves.

     
  • At 10/14/2009 08:27:00 PM, Blogger goddess.maria said…

    I bet the older gentlemen couldn't give "an airborne intercourse" about what the young men think of them naked. When you get old, the important things tend to get attended to, and the unimportant things fall away. Actually, I thought the naked older men were arousing to look at, but I've always liked older men. (so glad my man is mostly bald with grey facial hair...)

     
  • At 11/18/2009 08:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You need to suck a shampooing dick, lol.

     
  • At 1/29/2010 06:07:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ups sorry delete plz [url=http://duhum.com].[/url]

     
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