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Friday, March 14, 2008
I got me a "Dear California Driver" letter from the DMV!!!

Last year, in May and December, I got a speeding ticket. Both were for going 10 miles per hour over the speeding limit. K? It's not like I was going down interstate 580 at 120 mph like SOME PEOPLE I KNOW. I paid both my fines and life went on. Until today. IN ALL CAPS, this letter is written. But I'll spare you the annoyance.


Drivers with crashes and traffic convictions on their records are at a greater risk of those causing future crashes.

Please notice that because of my horrible driving record, that the DMV is accusing me of causing future crashES. Plural. Keep in mind I've never been in ONE crash. I'm preparing my defamation of character suit as I type this.

Your recent record of bad driving places you at increased risk of causing crashes, injury and death. We do not want you to suffer consequences and want to help you avoid them.

Great. Then give me the money back that I paid for the tickets, and I'll buy myself a radar. And did you notice that they said I'm going to die?

We understand that you may believe you are a good driver, and yet your driving record is much worse than the average California driver.

Well, my name is eerily similar to Ricky Bobby. Get off my back. And really, two speeding tickets over for 10mph over the speed limit is actually worse than the average California driver? REALLY? Have you been to Los Angeles?

While you may be a good and safe driver most of the time, your record reflects at least momentary lapses in driving judgment. At highway speeds, a moment of carelessness can become a tragedy. Good, caring people who make careless decisions while driving can cause injury or death. In our effort to urge you to drive safer, we are offering you a choice. You can choose to prevent further action from DMV by avoiding additional traffic convictions and by not causing any crashes.

Wait. What's my choice? I was expecting something like "There are two cases left. One of them has $500,000 and the other one has $25. Do you want to trade cases?" And now that I'm thinking about it, Out of 365 days in a year, I got dinged twice. That's 0.54 percent of the year. I could see the validity of this letter if I got a hundred speeding tickets, but not two. Cob on.

However, if you choose to continue your unsafe driving, the penalties will increase and eventually lead to probation, suspension or revocation of your driving privilege. We believe you are capable of making a change to become a safer driver, but it is up to you to do so.

They don't even know me. So how can the believe I'm capable of making a change to become a better driver? For all they know, I could be part of some underground anarchist driving ring, who is hell-bent on taking over the world one speeding ticket at a time.

If you do not want to change, your driving will continue to present a risk to yourself and other road users. If you want to change and become a safer, more responsible driver, you can. We hope that you will decide to change, but the choice is yours.

This last paragraph sounds like Yoda wrote it. Look at all of the reverse english. Ending sentences with "you can", and saying things like "the choice is yours". Actually, it sounds like the mid-point of a hero movie. "Ricky, you can defeat Godzilla. If you want to. The choice is yours. By the way, you have some alfredo sauce on your chin." That's all. If you've read the entire post up to this point, I'm proud of you. Go to Cold Stone and tell them that Ricky Borba said to give you a free sample of ANY ice cream they have.
posted by Ricky @ 5:50 PM  
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