SUBJECT: Ricky Borba DATE OF DEATH: November 24, 2032 LOCATION: Marriott Hotel, Room 333, Sacramento, CA CAUSE OF DEATH: m & m's and whopper jr.-induced heart attack, possible ranch dressing asphyxiation NOTABLES: Subject had left hand on XBOX 720 controller and right hand on "mace windu" lightsaber . Subject's buttocks was in a chicken carbonara sandwich from "Quiznos". Written on walls of hotel room in ketchup or other tomato-based condiment was "OH REALLY?!" sixteen times. Thirty-three pounds of food (mostly meat and dairy, though also a picture frame, a bicycle tire, a showerhead and $68,000) found in subject's impacted bowels. Shaved into subject's chest hair were words "I"m awesome". AWESOMENESS OF DEATH: 9.8 out of 10
(The word shampoo will be used for the F word in this post)
I shampooing hate being in the mens locker room at the gym. It makes me feel gross. I hate it. HATE. IT. So I am going to lay down the law right now, so I can have a more comfortable experience in the locker room. These are "The 5 Commandments of The Locker Room"
1. Do not look at me. There is absolutely no reason for you to make eye contact with me. At all. Whatsoever. Furthermore, if we do accidentally happen to make eye contact, you need to immediately look away. Not down. LEFT, RIGHT, OR UP.
2. Do not strike up a conversation with me or otherwise talk to me. Under no circumstances whatsoever shall you EVER find it necessary to talk to me. I don't care if I'm bleeding profusely and you have gauze. You do NOT talk to me. I just don't understand guys who stand around naked talking to each other about things. It's NOT okay to talk about "how good you worked out" or "how good your presentation to the board was at lunch". Put your shampooing clothes back on THEN talk about whatever you want. Standing around naked for any reason other than you are in the middle of getting dressed is strictly forbidden.
3. Don't fart when you're naked. And definitely don't fart when you're showering. You'd think that this one was a no brainer. But I can't even count the amount of times I've heard some naked fat dude let one go in the middle of the locker room. If your clothes are on and you're on your way out of the locker room maybe I can see you letting one go. But to do it while you're naked, or naked and wet, is completely reprehensible.
4. Don't be naked any longer than you have to. Once you're dried off, put your clothes on. Don't walk over to the sink and shave while you're naked. Don't go brush your teeth while you're naked. And don't air dry. There's just no reason to do any of that. Clothes were invented for a reason, and the locker room was definitely one of them. Take your shower, naked if you have to, dry off, then put your shampooing clothes on.
5. Do not stand next to me and dry off or get ready. There's no reason, even if the locker room is jam packed with a bunch of guys, for you to be THAT close to me. You should be a minimum of two arms lengths away from me. Seriously. Get the shampoo away from me before I beat the shampoo out of you. Keep your distance.
Look, it would be just as uncomfortable if I was in a locker room full of naked girls. It's just awkward being naked while you're around other naked people. And if you're a guy, you're not supposed to see other guys naked. It's a rule. I understand that the locker room is a necessary evil. But I believe if you follow those 5 commandments, things will be a lot more comfortable.
I went on a 40 minute walk with Kayla today and them swam for a half hour at the gym. If I could just find the dedication to that every day I'd be losing weight faster than Lindsay Lohan lost her dignity.
Nicki is studying for her last exam. Ever. It's required by the state of California to take an X-Ray test before you can start practicing chiropractic. Thanks California. You're the only state that that's a requirement in. I've seen Nicki's study guide. It has things on it like "BLv + rh2 = X. Define X." Wow. Not only is that sort of thing completely irrelevant, but it has nothing to do with Chiropractic. It's not going to make her a better doctor, and it's not going to help anyone. Here's what WILL help. Can you operate an X-Ray machine? If you answered no, please learn from someone. If you answered yes, good job. Way to go. That should the only question on the test.
In other news, we're supposedly 6 weeks away from Brielle being born. Now before you think I'm being morbid or something, I say we're "supposedly" 6 weeks away because Kayla was two weeks late AND I think she's coming early anyway. So that's why I say supposedly.
One more thing. I hate my job. Big time. I loathe it. To the core. EVERYTHING about it. But I heard a good Bible verse in church this morning that I'm going to try and make my mantra until we move to Sacramento:
Collosians 3:23-24: 23 Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. 24 Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.
Easier said than done.
Also, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
When I was 16 my parents divorced. And my siblings and I literally went from the penthouse to the outhouse. It got to the point where there were 13 people living in a one-story, 3-bedroom house. (My moms brothers' family and sisters' family moved in with us as well.) I went from having my own bedroom and my own privacy, to having to share EVERYTHING. Admittedly, I got a little selfish and frustrated with everything.
I've always loved grape juice. So after school one day I walked to the store and bought a gallon of it. I didn't feel like sharing it with anyone, so I decided to hide it in my closet under some clothes. I figured that way, I could keep it a secret and have it all to myself. Things were fine for the first couple of days. And then on the third day I went to go drink it and guess what happened? It fermented.
I'd kept the grape juice in room temperature settings after it had been opened and exposed to air. Despite the fact that I kept it hidden from everyone it still went bad.
Fast forward 13 years later. I was driving on my way to work this morning and I thought of that incident for some reason. Then it hit me. My selfishness caused something good and enjoyable, to become something bitter and tainted. The same thing can happen in life. The more selfish you are with the good things in your life, the more they will dwindle away and become tainted. If you're selfish with you're money, you're not going to be able to enjoy it with anyone or even yourself. If you're selfish with belongings, you're not going to experience the full potential of those things. The more you keep things to yourself hidden, the more they fade away and become ruined.
The most glaring case is your faith. The more you keep it to yourself and bottled up, the less people around you will get to experience God's love and desire for them. Along with that, the more you keep religion to yourself, the more it can become something that God did not intend it to be. God intended for us to spread his word to the masses, to share his love with others. Not to keep it bottled up to yourself.
The Internet Age has made horrible spellers out of our younger generation....
I'm online a lot. And I visit a lot of video game and movie websites where a lot of teens post things. The internet, instant messaging, text messaging and informal emails have made our younger generation a bunch of horrible spellers and writers. It is BRUTAL sometimes when I'm reading some of the forum posts, trying to decipher what the hell they're trying to convey. The thing that really drives me crazy about it though, is that most browsers nowadays underline wrongly spelled words in red when you're composing the message. There is really almost no excuse other than laziness, why this younger generation doesn't take the time to learn how to properly spell things and use correct grammar.
(not that my grammar is ALWAYS perfect, but it is MOSTLY perfect)
This is the house in Lincoln we are going to try and buy.
(Click the picture for more info)
It's in a community called Woodbury Glen. It's 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. We don't want to move again. So this is it. The house is around $450k. But the market is so bad right now that new housing tracks like these are knocking off a TON of money AND putting in a backyard for free. I've been looking for a job for 3 weeks now, so hopefully I'll start to get some callbacks here. I've found that 3 to 4 weeks is about right to hear back on job leads. ANYWAY. We're excited. Nicki has two interviews lined up at Chiro offices in Roseville, so things are definitely shaping up. :)
I'm speechless. Whatever happened to "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish"?
I'll tell you what, if Kayla or Brielle (or any of my eventual kids) ever bring this book home from school I will body slam their teacher and then burn the book. I hope this childrens book is a joke. Really, it better be.
How they can tell if a Dinosaur, a creature that has been extinct longer than than anything else on the planet, was a vegetarian or a meat eater. Do they find stuff inside their stomachs when they unearth the bones? No. Knock it off scientists.
The more rich and famous you are, the less you have to pay for things in life. And the more broke you are, the harder it is for you to get things like decent health insurance, good housing, etc. It's almost like that whole scenario should be reversed.
Why in America, I have to press 1 for English. It should just be English automatically when I call somewhere.
Everytime I receive a network error on my Yahoo music player and it can't play a song that's pre loaded, its a song I REALLY wanted to hear. Every. Time.
But I can't honestly imagine that it's any worse than what I was forced to sit through tonight. A Luau. My absolute hatred of interpretive dance not withstanding, this 3 hour event was probably the most torturous event I've ever been subjected to. First of all, I SWEAR ON MY CHILDREN if I hear "aloha" or "mahalo" one more time I am going to spontaneously combust. Tonight alone those two words must have been said over 100 times each. I was already sick of hearing those words before our flight even landed in Hawaii. Now, getting back to my hatred of interpretive dance. Basically, a Luau is defined as "a 3 hour event which involves endless interpretive dance that is neither understandable nor entertaining". I wish that someone would have put some benadryl in my alcoholic drinks tonight because believe me there was not enough alcohol. I will never go to another Luau again. And if you care anything about your own mental wellness, you should never go to one either.